The angry 15 yr old didn't learn to love herself, instead she went on to find you in other’s embrace. She went on following the familiar. She went on hurting herself.
The angry 25-year-old knows better. She is angry, just like the 15 yr old but this time, she has herself. This time she can be there for herself. This time she is fighting against every familiar feeling. This time she is strong. She is using these moments to empower herself. This time she is not waiting, not begging. She is asking. She is receiving. She leaves when it is not there. This time she knows she deserves more. She knows she needs to be there for herself. She knows when she is strong, she inspires others to be strong. She is capable. She is worthy. She is fighting for her. Here is to being everything I need.
I can’t blame you for not loving me in the ways I needed to be loved,You loved me in ways you knew how to. I had to learn that your love wasn't love. Love and abuse can not exist in the same space. Love and neglect can not exist in the same space. Love is pure and safe, nurturing and unconditional. Love is validation and communication. Love grows. As my final act of resilience, I will love myself in all the ways I deserve to be loved. I will love myself so hard.
DId you not see me when I laid in bed all day and only ate a bowl of cereal? Were you not concerned when all I wanted to eat was fruit? Why was your only response anger? I was at the boy’s house yesterday, you didn’t know. I was trying to find my worth in his arms. I was trying to find your love in his presence. How could I? When the only love I knew was absent, cold, toxic. You didn’t know what love was, so how could I blame you? Did you see that I had an anxiety attack? You paid attention only when I told you about my accomplishments. Have you noticed I have no girlfriends? Do you see how I’ve become obsessed with my hips poking out? Why didn’t you care for me when I ate myself sick? Did you see I ran for 4 hours straight in hopes to make it go away? Did you ever see me?